I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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