Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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