everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
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