I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
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