i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
