i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
