So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
