i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
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