she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Randomize
