Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
