OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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