Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Randomize
