I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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