someone get that fucking seahorse.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
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