I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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