I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Randomize
