The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
You've changed since you got that strap on
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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