Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Randomize
