I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
