if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
