i need an iv and a liver transplant
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Randomize
