either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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