my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
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