just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Randomize
