Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
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