I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
