I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
