My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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