The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
