Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
