My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I wish there were birth control emojis
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
