I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
