Your face is a jimmy john
Are you guys doing anything tonight?
Krysta
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
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