kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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