VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
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