Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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