I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
