last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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