My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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