Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
they need to just BURY HIM!
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Randomize
