The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
