I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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