i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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