Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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