He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
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