either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Randomize
