At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Randomize
