and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
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