i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
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