if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Randomize
