i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
nutella sex= disaster
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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