I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize
